A quarter of a century

Today marks my 25 years of existence.

Nothing much achieved in life.

Nothing to look forward to at this very moment.

All is bleak and blurry…

I’m exhausted and hurt.

365 days… Ain’t counting anymore

Stagnant

im sitting in office. just wondering how fast time flies.. its almost a year. in no time, im gonna be a quarter of a century old. Whilst work has been busy and enjoyable, and of cos frustrating at times; it has been the focus of my life up to this point. I, however, cant ignore this constant feeling which has gradually surfaced.

This feeling of being stagnant. I have, on many occasions, asked myself what is there missing from my life. What is there that i need and i have yet to fulfil. Then it led to another question: What do i need?

I have many wants. But what do i really need?

Just a lil’ longer.. I promise

The jury’s out, but my choice is you

Let me just indulge in my self perceived perfect lil’ world for awhile longer

I promise I’ll snap out of denial soon…

For Good

the lyrics meant a lot to me. i hope it does to you

(Elphaba):
Im limited
Just look at me – Im limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn’t do, Glinda
So now it’s up to you
For both of us – now it’s up to you…

(Glinda):
I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I’ve done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you…

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you…

(Both):
Because I knew you…
i believe I have been changed for good…
i have been changed, for good

i dont know whats happening

i know that im not well. i just turned down meetings, i’m even thinking of stopping commitments which i used to enjoy. im starting to isolate myself. i no longer enjoy interacting with people. i cant concentrate at work. i cant get past a day without crying.

i dont even think im worth anyone’s time at all. im starting to feel inadequate and insecured. i cry everytime i think how hopeless and worthless i am in your eyes, or even anyone’s. how life will never turn out right for me,

i feel alone.

its just me against the world.  

Life is too ironic to fully understand…

It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence, and absence to value presence.

imy

Where are you

You told me you’ll be there when I’m down..

My life feels like a game of squash..

I’ve never felt so alone before.

I’m struggling with my own emotions, my thoughts, my actions.

I’m afraid.

Counting my blessings

For the past week my emotions had been on a roller coaster ride, there were moments of pure joy and within an instant, it plunges down to the depths of misery.. Im glad that no matter which part of the ride i was experiencing, I had true friends and loved ones who stayed by me and supported my decisions. Thank God for them. 🙂 I wouldnt be for i am today without every one of them.

Im counting my blessings, grateful for everything that I have 🙂

used and abandoned

Woke up this morning with swollen eyes and blurry vision, yet the physical pain was bearable compared to the stinging heart ache that came from within..

Deep within i felt used and abandoned. For all the the emotions and time invested, I was thrown with an excuse ‘ I wasn’t good enough’. What did he take me for? That was most definetely a selfish excuse; for not trying at all, and not willing to even put in an effort.

I’m at loss. Should i be selfish and think for myself this time – move on and prevent myself from getting hurt again? Or trust his words of promise?